How to hide your sickly unkemptitude from the Internet

December 28, 2008

On Xmas day I came down with the most despicable case of influenza I’ve ever had. Temperature up to 103′, burning lung pain, aching bones, racked with coughs that sounded like the birth of a monster. I also had a new webcam and I reeeally wanted to talk to my friends! But there was no WAY I was ever gonna let anyone on the internet see how uggers I am when I’m sick.

I will never let my public see me like this.

I will never let my public see me like this.

There has to be a way, I thought groggily, to have a videochat without compromising the air of ladylike dignity I’m so widely known for.

Then I had a thought. Perhaps, I thought, I could cover the lens of the webcam with something removeable and translucent!

Having just wrapped a metric buttload of presents, I immediately knew just what to use.

2-tape-maybe

But it was too opaque.

3-tape-is-stupid

Maybe this would be ok if I was in the witness protection program.

But I’m not.

Stupid tape.

4-stupid-tape

Back to the drawing board. Maybe a less-frosted piece of translucent material would do the trick.

I’ve been taking my temperature (orally, thanks for asking) every half-hour or so, and my thermometer has a little clear plastic case…

5-random-piece-of-plastic

Perhaps if I just…

6-stupid

No. This is stupid, and it makes a weird reflection of the webcam light. That’s dumb.
Too I see dead people.

Think, Stamp, think.

Ugh, mouthbreathing is making my lips so dry.

7-thinking

Eureka!

8-eureka

(Actually, I kind of reeka too, but let’s try to stay on track here.)

Just a leetle dab…. and….

9-experimentation

PERFECT!

10-perfect

Wait, did I just smear lip balm on a brand new webcam? Uh… careful… steady…

11-reversible-technology

The technology is reversible! I am a genius!

Aw yeah.

And the best part was, nobody on the internet ever saw how sickly and slovenly I was! My secret is safe.

THE END.

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