How news stories are made

January 19, 2011

Thanks to Colin for Facebooking this.

Advertisements

Live TV, guys.

November 2, 2010

UPDATE: This was a post about a live news broadcast rife with errors, which has since been erased from the historical record that is YouTube. I will therefore attempt to describe the awesomeness from memory:

SERIOUS ACTION NEWS MUSIC PLAYS.
OPEN ON A SHOT OF AN UNPREPARED ANCHOR.
SHE IS LOOKING OVER HER NOTES.
NOTICES SHE’S ON TV AND LOOKS UTTERLY PANICKED.

SABRINA:
O HAI. UM.

THE CAMERA SLOWLY DRIFTS OVER TO THE NEWSDESK,
WHERE A PAIR OF SMUG ANCHORS TRY NOT TO LAUGH.

THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE INCLUDES BOTH THE ANCHORS’ SPEECH, AND THEIR SUBTEXT.

STEVE:
A HAHA DON’T WORRY ABOUT SABRINA THERE. I’M STEVE AND I GOT THIS. TODAY IS…. WELL LISA WILL TELL YOU THE DATE WON’T YOU LISA.

LISA:
YES STEEEVE, IT’S SEPTEMBER THE TWELFTH AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE RIGHT HERE ON THE SCRIPT.

STEVE:
WELL LISA I DIDN’T SEE IT BECAUSE YOU HAD YOUR BIG ELBOW ON IT.

LISA:
O AHAHA STEVE WHAT A COMEDIAN. VIEWERS, NOW WE’RE GOING TO COVER A STORY AND STEVE WILL TELL YOU WHICH STORY. RIGHT STEEEVE?!!!

STEVE:
LISA I HATE YOU MORE THAN MY EX WIFE.

LISA:
STEVE I AM YOUR EX WIFE. NOW OVER TO SOMEWHERE, WITH UMM… JACKIE… SOMETHING.

CAMERA SLOWLY DRIFTS OVER TO A WALL ON THE STUDIO, AND LINGERS THERE.

CUT TO:
AN ANCHOR WHOSE NAME IS NOT JACKIE, STANDING BESIDE A ROAD.
SHE HAS NO IDEA SHE’S ON-AIR.
SHE STARES BLANKLY INTO THE CAMERA, WAITING FOR HER CUE.

AFTER A PAUSE LONG ENOUGH TO EVOLVE A NEW SPECIES,
JACKIE SOMETHING STARTS SPEAKING VERY PROFESSIONALLY ABOUT, UM, SOMETHING.

THE CAMERA CASUALLY DRIFTS PAST HER.
TRYING TO SEEM PROFESSIONAL, SHE EDGES BACK INTO SHOT.

THE CAMERA KEEPS DRIFTING.
SHE KEEPS EDGING ALONG WITH IT.

THEN HER PATH IS BLOCKED BY A SMALL FENCE.
SHE CAN’T GET INTO THE SHOT ANY MORE.

THE CAMERA KEEPS DRIFTING OVER, EVENTUALLY FOCUSSING ON A PERSON RIDING A SCOOTER DOWN THE SIDEWALK.

JACKIE SOMETHING KEEPS TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING,
DESPITE HAVING BEEN COMPLETELY FRAMED OUT OF THE SHOT.

Aw man. The camera was the hilarious fourth character in this small drama; it was acting like an unruly guide dog. You know those unfocused ones who are always trying to smell the trashcan, and the owner stands there hissing DUSTY FORWARD, FORWARD DUSTY but the dog ignores them and just keeps nudging its face into a discarded Cinnabon. This camera reeeally wants a shot of that person in the scooter, forget “Jackie” and her “something”.

A-for effort, news team. The juxtaposition between the SERIOUS ACTION NEWS MUSIC and the drifty camera was the best.


News is bunk

October 22, 2009
This is major.  Somebody call Anderson Cooper.

This is major. Somebody call Anderson Cooper.

Daily news annoys me. It’s 70% invented; they need so much filler to make their daily allotment. Last night a major Canadian news channel ran a story about 12 small dogs found in unsanitary conditions in the GTA. It was literally a news story that could be summarized as “Sad dogs got dirty. More at 11.” On national news. This is news? I thought about it for a while but then my head exploded and I turned off the television and ran around my apartment intoning insightful headlines like “DOGS: DISHEVELED AND DISAPPOINTED. CANADIAN CANINES COPING WITH CANDIDA. PARKDALE PUPPIES… IN POOP.” …and other stchupidness, over and over, to simulate what I was missing.


Auto-Tune the News, Volume 8: T-Pain and Michael Vick

September 3, 2009

Man, these guys got good fast! I first posted about them in April.


Auto-tune the news

April 24, 2009

The gossip world is buzzing about Beyonce’s allegedly leaked mic track, the real sound of her keening and wailing dead flat during a lip-synched and/or auto-tuned appearance. Similar clips of Britney Spears show more of the same. The idea that Beyonce can’t really sing upset me so much that I shoved my fingers in my ears, went LA LA LA (flat, in sympathy), and ate two creme eggs. Then I watched this: the evening news on autotune.

The whole clip is pretty funny, but the best part is Katie Couric singing about global warming.

UPDATE:
I’m very happy the track was revealed to be a fake. To be honest when I listened to it again after writing this post, I couldn’t even parse it- if you’re lipsynching, I understand that you’ll fake some of the high notes just to get by, but that track was so radically flat that you pretty much couldn’t even do it on purpose. If you can sing in tune, deliberately singing out of tune is surprisingly difficult to sustain.

Anyway, I’ve been listening to Beyonce sing Halo for day-los now, and I’m convinced she did it live on Letterman– she was a teeny bit pitchy a couple times and she faked the two hardest parts of the song- the low note on “they didn’t even make a sound” and the wicked-ass, very difficult descending octave run on “burning through my darkest ni-i-i-i-i-ght”. If she was lipsynching, I think they’d have made those moments truer to the studio track, as they’re impressive as hell. It’s really hard to do that octave run in a single beat- basically you have to hit 8 notes spot-on in just over a second. This guy does a cute cover that just NAILS it (at 30 seconds in) and it impressed me so much I broke a personal rule and commented on his YouTube video.

Woah, Beyonce's fake boyfriend is a big dude.

Woah, Beyonce's fake boyfriend is a big dude.

Also, the music video for Halo is quite lovely despite the fromage factor. I enjoy the fact that she depicts a regular gal living in a nice apartment with a man who is not Jay-Z. Except that she’s also rehearsing choreo for the “Single Ladies” video even in her imaginary normal life. So down-to-earth!


Ummm… me.

August 26, 2008

Putting a link to your new website on your existing website is a bit like watching a snake eat its own tail. So, hey, uh, would anyone like to see something that’s a bit like watching a snake eat its own tail?

If so, I humbly present my new website:
www.NicoleStampNews.wordpress.com.

All my other websites will remain in place (were you panicking? Just a little? I figured. Sheesh, calm down.) I just wanted somewhere to keep updates so I wouldn’t have to break my brain on the code for my main site all the time. So, uh, thanks.

Now back to Internet Awesome. Listen to the mouse. Sound familiar?