Google sometimes makes suggestions

June 12, 2009


Via Jess


December 13, 2008

I just reset my Facebook status to: “Nicole is Snap, Krackle, Crepitus.”

And then I thought, hmm, someone might read that and then Googlesearch the term crepitus– I wonder what they’ll find?

Well, the first link is to Wikipedia: Crepitus is a medical term to describe the grating, crackling or popping sounds and sensations experienced under the skin and joints. Bingo. I have busted cartilage in my left knee, which makes strange, clearly audible sounds: sharp, hollow pops, weird crackly champagne noise, the rubbery whine of a stretching balloon, and so on. Crepitus. Same root as “decrepit”, no doubt.

But the second link in the Googlesearch points to another Wikipedia page, for Crepitus, the Roman God of Flatulence. Umm, the Romans had a Fart God? Yet another arrow in the quiver of atheism, as far as I’m concerned. But wait, “It is unlikely that this deity was ever actually worshipped.” Oh, okay. “…The god appears, however, in a number of important works of French literature.”

Buried in that Wiki page, please to note the following nonsense, written in the persona of the Fart God: “the pontiff of Egypt, abstinent from beans, trembled at my voice and paled at my odour.” Trust the French to be literary about the God of Magical Mist.

Wait, am I still writing about this? EXCUSE ME.

There’s an ass for every seat.

November 27, 2008

These are some of the search terms that sent people to this site today:

postmodern christian painting
using someone else toothbrush
hollywood babies
novelty festive mugs
asian men sideburn
ugly donkey

I am glad to have been the seat for these noble and varied queries.

What Google thinks it means, Volume One

October 23, 2008

I came up with a new thing for on here! A way to combine my love for the internet with the spirit of inquiry. I’m gonna do Google Image searches for things, and then post the top thing for each thing on my blog. Because the thing is: if Google thinks a thing should be represented by a thing, then that’s what the thing is.

For example:

Top image result for “funny” comes from an Irish website called LOLZ.IR. It’s a photo of two cocks playing football. While crossing a road. You guys, that is a lot of funny all densely concentrated up in there.



I am happy to report that the top Google Image result for “Paris” is the city, not the coy Hollywood douchette. (She takes spot #5 though.)



And (thankfully) most of the Google Image results for my name are actual photos of me. But not this pretty lil gem, who snagged the #6 spot. NEVER FORGET, guys. NEVER FORGET:



“ME”, AS IN “YOU”.
The previous line of inquest led me to ponder what is perhaps the most existential 2.0 question of all: what jpeg would Google Image offer up to represent “ME”, like the actual word “ME”…?

Is your mind totally blown yet?

Seriously! Which “ME”, of all the many people in the world, would be the most powerful, the most iconic, the most universally represented “ME”? The answer, my friend, may surprise you. It certainly surprised “me”.

I present to you the quintessential “ME”, according to Google Images: A Scandinavian businessman awkwardly sitting in the lap of a bronze bear, while her displaced cub looks on with envy. Obviously.