Einstein Baby

December 7, 2009

E equals MC Hammer

Apparently, when Albert Einstein was a child, he was a lake talker, which worried his parents. Finally, one day at supper, he spoke his first words: “Die Suppe ist zu heiss.” (The soup is too hot.)

His parents were greatly relieved, and asked him why he hadn’t spoken up to that time. The answer came back: “Bisher war Alles in Ordnung.” (Until now, everything was in order.)

Via MeFi.

Neon Signs Gone Wrong

November 18, 2009

Here’s a hospital emergency room with an appropriately burnt-out sign:

I'm hurt

That one’s featured in a NYT article- thanks to Juliet for the tip.

More appropriate neon burn-outs. My favourite is this one:

People flock to this place for the rump roast.

German: sissy

November 7, 2009

How darest du callst ich ein German sissy. Ich is Austrian.

The German language has this charming habit of mashing countless adjectives onto its nouns, forming nearly illegible compound words. So instead of a short string of nice, simple words working as a team to convey an idea, like, say, “beef-labelling law”, you get a monstrosity like

Look, I can’t even fit it onto a single line.

Rind=beef, fleisch=meat, etikettierungs=labelling, über=over, wachungs=watching, auf=on, gaben=task, über=over, tragungs=giving, gesetz=law.

The beefmeatlabellingoverwatchfortaskovergivinglaw.

So when the German language wants you to know it thinks you’re a sissy, it doesn’t pull any punches. You could be a:

Boxershortsbügler = A boxershorts-ironer.

s-bahn-in-fahrtrichtung-sitzer – An in-the-direction-of-travel-sitter
(In other words, an insufferably special snowflake who must face forward on the train to avoid motion-sickness from looking out the window in the wrong direction. I’m one of these, I confess. I might barf.)

Frauenversteher – A women-understanderer. (WOW.)

Here are some more German words for sissy at Resolute Vagrant.

Lamebook: The Fresh Prince of not really getting into a hot air balloon.

October 21, 2009

Lamebook is a compendium of lame (anonymized) stuff from Facebook. I like the poetically epic nature of the following exchange about a little balloon boy named Falcon Heene, whose parents (somewhat recognizable from their appearances on a reality show called Wife Swap) seem to have asked him to hide in the attic while they alarmed the nation with tales that he’d drifted away in a giant hot air balloon, a balloon they’d made by hand because they’re storm chasers who believe in the end times.

Sheesh. Some people will do anything for a little attention. Hey Heene family, your dignity called. Oh wait you don’t have any. Let me give you guys a little advice. The best way to get attention is to write about your recent weight gain or post uggers photos of yourself without any makeup or tell jumbled stories about being peed on and then put it on the internet using your real name. Duh.

Hey crap, I just drooled on my jacket. I should take a picture of that and tweet about it a few times. Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Lamebook. Here:

(From Lamebook)

(From Lamebook)

Click the image to read it a little bigger.
And click here to read more Lamebook.
Thanks to Van Dine for the tip.

Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan on how Helen learned to speak

August 26, 2009

Actual newsreel footage of Sullivan and Keller. I cannot even imagine how intelligent Helen Keller must have been to learn language by fingerspelling, let alone figure out how to speak.

Via Kottke.

Before there was Surf ‘n’ Turf

August 4, 2009


Scooter and I stuffed our craws with a delicious medley of lobster ‘n’ sirloin last night, which got me thinking. Surf ‘n’ Turf is a catchy menu item and all, but what else did that enterprising restauranteur cross off the list before he coined the phrase (on a napkin, no doubt) back in 1967? Why didn’t he go with:

hay ‘n’ bay
cowbell ‘n’ shell
straw ‘n’ claw
pet ‘n’ wet
bovine ‘n’ brine
calf ‘n’ bath
steak ‘n’ lake
Bessie ‘n’ the sea
cultivated land ‘n’ sand
oxtail ‘n’ shrimp cocktail
rumination ‘n’ crustacean
beef ‘n’ reef
grill ‘n’ krill
cud ‘n’ mud

I’m just saying.

Facebook Hamlet

July 21, 2009

McSweeney’s has a wicked Facebook News Feed version of Hamlet. Written by Sarah Schmelling, and Photoshopped by Angela Liao; click the graphic below to view large. Awesome.

CLICK TO ENLARGE.  written by Sarah Schmelling; art by Angela Liao.

CLICK TO ENLARGE. written by Sarah Schmelling; art by Angela Liao.

Thanks to Carly for the tip!

Leotarded, as in “that’s so –”

May 3, 2009


Advice columnist Dan Savage vows to stop using the word “retarded” as a derogatory descriptor of things he thinks are stupid.

From now on, instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,” I’m going to say “leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the strong—and the limber—and not the weak.

While I’m not sure I’d have gone so far as to describe the mentally challenged as “the weak”, overall I think this is amazing. As Stephen Colbert coined “truthiness”, I hereby dub this “correctiness”.

Email punversation.

May 1, 2009

Viktor: Here’s a good article on Hamas [link]
Gord: I thought you said hummus. Really.
Viktor: I said it was a good article by Bobbie Ganoush
Hanna: /Groan
Me: Oh peas.
Lily: Merguez is you guyz could be at this all night.
Viktor: I’m tzatzinking you’re right.
Rob: This thread is so funny I almost falafel my chair.
Lily: Olive punning with you guys. Does Hummus practice Is-lamb?
Hanna: Wow. This is really pita-full.
Me: Not funny guys. There’s a schwarma going on right now.

My friends are going to hell. Or possibly hel.
It was an interesting article, though.


February 28, 2009

I do not like it when people use the word “stomach” to mean “belly”. Your stomach is inside you; your belly is the outside. People say things like “I have a fat stomach” or “the baby is in Mummy’s stomach” and in my head I scream BELLY. That is all.


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