Live TV, guys.

UPDATE: This was a post about a live news broadcast rife with errors, which has since been erased from the historical record that is YouTube. I will therefore attempt to describe the awesomeness from memory:

SERIOUS ACTION NEWS MUSIC PLAYS.
OPEN ON A SHOT OF AN UNPREPARED ANCHOR.
SHE IS LOOKING OVER HER NOTES.
NOTICES SHE’S ON TV AND LOOKS UTTERLY PANICKED.

SABRINA:
O HAI. UM.

THE CAMERA SLOWLY DRIFTS OVER TO THE NEWSDESK,
WHERE A PAIR OF SMUG ANCHORS TRY NOT TO LAUGH.

THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE INCLUDES BOTH THE ANCHORS’ SPEECH, AND THEIR SUBTEXT.

STEVE:
A HAHA DON’T WORRY ABOUT SABRINA THERE. I’M STEVE AND I GOT THIS. TODAY IS…. WELL LISA WILL TELL YOU THE DATE WON’T YOU LISA.

LISA:
YES STEEEVE, IT’S SEPTEMBER THE TWELFTH AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE RIGHT HERE ON THE SCRIPT.

STEVE:
WELL LISA I DIDN’T SEE IT BECAUSE YOU HAD YOUR BIG ELBOW ON IT.

LISA:
O AHAHA STEVE WHAT A COMEDIAN. VIEWERS, NOW WE’RE GOING TO COVER A STORY AND STEVE WILL TELL YOU WHICH STORY. RIGHT STEEEVE?!!!

STEVE:
LISA I HATE YOU MORE THAN MY EX WIFE.

LISA:
STEVE I AM YOUR EX WIFE. NOW OVER TO SOMEWHERE, WITH UMM… JACKIE… SOMETHING.

CAMERA SLOWLY DRIFTS OVER TO A WALL ON THE STUDIO, AND LINGERS THERE.

CUT TO:
AN ANCHOR WHOSE NAME IS NOT JACKIE, STANDING BESIDE A ROAD.
SHE HAS NO IDEA SHE’S ON-AIR.
SHE STARES BLANKLY INTO THE CAMERA, WAITING FOR HER CUE.

AFTER A PAUSE LONG ENOUGH TO EVOLVE A NEW SPECIES,
JACKIE SOMETHING STARTS SPEAKING VERY PROFESSIONALLY ABOUT, UM, SOMETHING.

THE CAMERA CASUALLY DRIFTS PAST HER.
TRYING TO SEEM PROFESSIONAL, SHE EDGES BACK INTO SHOT.

THE CAMERA KEEPS DRIFTING.
SHE KEEPS EDGING ALONG WITH IT.

THEN HER PATH IS BLOCKED BY A SMALL FENCE.
SHE CAN’T GET INTO THE SHOT ANY MORE.

THE CAMERA KEEPS DRIFTING OVER, EVENTUALLY FOCUSSING ON A PERSON RIDING A SCOOTER DOWN THE SIDEWALK.

JACKIE SOMETHING KEEPS TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING,
DESPITE HAVING BEEN COMPLETELY FRAMED OUT OF THE SHOT.

Aw man. The camera was the hilarious fourth character in this small drama; it was acting like an unruly guide dog. You know those unfocused ones who are always trying to smell the trashcan, and the owner stands there hissing DUSTY FORWARD, FORWARD DUSTY but the dog ignores them and just keeps nudging its face into a discarded Cinnabon. This camera reeeally wants a shot of that person in the scooter, forget “Jackie” and her “something”.

A-for effort, news team. The juxtaposition between the SERIOUS ACTION NEWS MUSIC and the drifty camera was the best.

One Response to Live TV, guys.

  1. Megan says:

    I really really really really want to see this video. I snorted reading this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: