Oh honey, no.

I’m very tolerant of celebrities. I know they are overscrutinized and I know they are just people. I feel it is not my place to judge their mistakes and I believe that we as a society feel an inappropriate sense of ownership over them and so we judge them too harshly. In conversations, I habitually stand up for famous people, even famous people I don’t really like, and I made excuses for their temper tantrums. I consciously try not to be catty about their looks and instead try to judge them solely on the most consistent of their actions. I do read a bunch of celeb blogs, but I usually let the editorial content roll off my eyeballs and just keep an eye on their shoes and belts and stuff, because I figure they pay stylists to find all the best stuff and this way I can cherrypick.

But today when I saw this pic, all my reserve evaporated.


My head exploded. I want so badly to go to Hawaii and have a talk with JLH about being an idiot. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, I will ask. Why are you swanning around on a tennis court in false eyelashes, a saggy bikini and six-inch wedge heels, holding a tennis racquet with the weakest little toddler grip ever? YOU CANNOT PLAY TENNIS WITH ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

And I think “Oh honey, no” is the most patronizing annoying thing you can ever say to a woman, and yet, I want to say it here. Oh honey. NO. Because I just don’t understand. You can’t play tennis properly in what you’re wearing. And also you look like you’re trying too hard, which is desperate and laughable and not attractive. So you’re having an athletics fail (and risking a serious ankle injury) and ALSO not even being sexy-time in that bikini. It’s not a photoshoot, so you’re probably not being paid to do this. And you don’t even look like you’re having fun.

There is so much wrong here it’s like my mind is being blown. It’s like the first time anyone conceived of dogs playing poker. But, but, the masses babbled, dogs cannot play poker. It is an impossibility. It’s absurd. That’s how I feel here. I keep looking at this pic, searching for meaning, and just spluttering. JENNIFER, LOVE, I want to say. GO BACK TO THE HOTEL RIGHT NOW AND PUT ON SOME SOCKS. AND SNEAKERS. AND SHORTS. AND A SPORTS BRA. AND SOME COMMON SENSE. PLEASE. This will all be so much more fun when you have on the proper footwear. Tennis is a fast-paced game and you are wearing loungewear. Tennis is not a lounging game. IT IS A SPORTING FAIL. YOUR SCORE IS LOVE.


One Response to Oh honey, no.

  1. “There is so much wrong here it’s like my mind is being blown. It’s like the first time anyone conceived of dogs playing poker.”

    I love finding things like that.

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