A timeline

MARCH 2009
Scott buys a carton of eggs.

JUNE 2009
Nicole thinks, “….expiration April 2009. Now is June 2009. But it’s like BARELY June. It’s been really cold outside. I guess I could look online to see when eggs expire, but actually, you hear about “rotten egg smell” so I guess I’ll know. Whatever, I’m being so North American. In Europe they don’t even keep eggs in the fridge. I’m sure these eggs will be totally fine. And delicious if I fry them sunny-side-up and put lots of pepper on them and put them on toasty English muffins so the yolk gets all runny.”

Nicole cuts some butter into a warm pan, where it melts and sizzles delightfully.

Nicole cracks an egg over pan.

Nicole wonders why pale snot-coloured water is leaking out of the cracked egg. It looks like the sediment at the bottom of a bottle of cheap concentrated orange juice. One that’s been open for two months or so. Maybe since about April 2009.

Nicole turns over the halves of the egg to see what’s inside. Oh, a bloody green and brown booger the size of an apricot.

Nicole is very unhappy.

Nicole needs to fill her lungs with air to maybe use on some swearing.

Nicole inhales.

Nicole learns that “rotten egg smell” is not a euphemism or myth.

Nicole notices that her hands are totally full of foul expired egg drippings.

Nicole begins a quiet chant of “oh no oh my aw gee oh no oh no oh no”

Nicole thinks fast. “An egg is smaller than a poo from like a really fat guy would be, right? And most toilets can probably handle a linebacker log, right?”

Nicole throws egg in toilet and flushes, hoping for the best.

Egg vanishes without complaint. Bathroom smells like a new and awful kind of fart.

Nicole muses that sulfur dioxide is not our friend.

Nicole is relieved and leisurely washes her hands.

Nicole realizes pan full of egg-snot is happily cooking away on stove.

Nicole observes that the drippings have congealed into a tiny snot omelette that smells like a pig’s ass.

Nicole cleans pan daintily amidst much pursing of lips and squinting of eyes and general unhappiness.

Nicole opens all windows and turns on all fans.

Nicole learns never to take a chance on an egg again.


5 Responses to A timeline

  1. jessperson says:

    Reminds me of that time in House 2 when Jenn tried to crack an egg and it like, massively resisted being opened, and all of us flapped around the sink anxiously waiting to discover some slimy malformed feathered mess inside, but actually it turned out to be totally normal, just frozen.

    There’s also just something about eggs that I find intrinsically off-putting. I like them, but they worry me. Food for my psychocanalanyst.

  2. alisonjutzi says:

    Mmmm…eeegs. I remember that time in House 2. I ran over to fetch Darryl because we needed a man to save the day.

  3. jennyhead says:

    my memory of the frozen egg is incomplete. for some reason, in my memory of it, i am alone. but it is good to read that in fact i had friends around, and you were as excited/perturbed about the egg as i was.


    stamper, this is one of my fav posts of yours EVAH.

  4. stamperoo says:

    Oh no, Jenn, you were deffo not alone. Ali and Jess were home; I was at work. I came home to find you three lamenting the fact that I wasn’t there as I was the only one of us who would have been man enough to face the dead chick that may have been inside that fateful aig. I was sad to miss it as well, although eventually my time came due (see here).
    At any rate, I am very pleased that this post has brought us all together.
    Also, it’s been HOURS and my house still smells faintly like the asscrack of a hobo.

  5. GinaRose says:

    Wow. I just found your site today and have read a few of your posts (VERY busy day at work, clearly), but NONE of them had me laughing like this! Holy mother of PEARL this is funny!! Also, I’m sure my work neighbors really appreciate my laugh/snort in attempt not to throw back my head and cackle for days.

    So, thank you

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