Kate Beaton is funny

June 30, 2009
Click to view full-size.

Click to view full-size.

Kate Beaton draws the funniest facial expressions, maybe ever.


How to get a free drink on a flight.

June 28, 2009
You say "tomato", I say "in-flight magic".

You say \”tomato\”, I say \”in-flight magic\”.

In real life I don’t drink tomato juice or tomato-based cocktails, but on airplanes for some reason the idea of a technicolour and salty drink in a tiny cup is enticing. Here’s how to score a free tomato-based cocktail on a flight, as I did on my way home from LA.

1. First, forget what your drink of choice is called. This helps erase any doubt in the flight attendant’s mind that you might not be a total idiot. You are, and you can prove it when you ask for a Tomato Screwdriver, a Bleeding Maria, or a Clamaitor.

2. The flight attendant will be confused but eventually prompt, “Perhaps you’d like a Bloody Mary, miss?” Your enthusiastic nodding will be met with his mental note to keep an eye on you, and followed by his slightly reluctant offer of a can of tomato juice and a gnome-sized bottle of vodka. (Skyy vodka, because we’re midair! HA HA!)

3. Accept these offerings with good-natured and self-depricating laughter. “BLOODY MAAARY!!! HA HA YES THAT IS WHAT I MEANT!!”

4. Turn back to your laptop.

5. Put your earplug back in. Ignore everybody.

6. After an uncomfortable pause, the flight attendant will helplessly gesture to the nice lady beside you who will poke you so you remove your earplug again, all innocent confusion.

7. “Six dollars, ma’am,” the flight attendant will say.

8. “OH! A TRANSACTION! HA HA HA!! YES, I DO!!” will be your inexplicable reply, and then you should lean down, trying to wedge your huge head with its attendant cloud of unkempt curls under your table tray, the better to rummage around for your wallet.

9. Now this next step is the key to the whole operation: blithely knock your cup of ice onto your (thankfully closed) laptop, where it will slide around merrily like butter on a skillet before raining into your lap.

10. Dribble out a little more of your trademark good-natured and self-depricating laughter, (“HA HA! I HAVE SPILLED THE ICE ONTO MY LAPTOP AND LAP!!! OH NO!!! SO COLD!!!! ALSO WET!!! HA HA HAHA!!”, etc.) Intersperse this clever commentary with assorted yelping as the ice manouvres itself into the small hole you tore in the crotch of your jeans earlier today in a different but equally-amusing travel mishap.

11. Use the now-empty tiny cup to scoop the ice out of your crotchtal region (NB: the ice will certainly not fit back into the cup, although it was all neatly contained by the cup mere seconds before), then move to place the ice cup it on your laptop again.

12. The nice lady beside you will predict the repeating element of this particular pattern and offer to hold the cup to keep it off your laptop, or maybe to hold the laptop away from the carnage that is your obvious lack of coordination and good sense.

13. Let her hold the cup while you rummage for four minutes in your wallet and emerge with some crumpled ones and a fistful of quarters.

14. The flight attendant will by this point be praying for early retirement while handing you a fresh cup of ice because he and the nice lady coordinated the disposal of the old cup of ice, like kindly attendants in a home of some type.

15. He will also hand you a plushily folded bundle of ginormous absorbent pads that would not look out of place in the bed of a senior citizen, toddler, or travelling sea mammal, while delicately suggesting, “Ma’am, these should help you clean up a little.”

16. The flight attendant will also look at your dripping little paw clutched around its pathetic wad of dampened cash- cash that has clearly done its time in the seedier garters of Los Angeles and emerged the worse for wear and now wet to boot, and mildly remark, “Ma’am, you’ve obviously had a rough day. The drink’s on me.”

17. Loudly exclaim “REALLY? OMIGOD THANKS THAT’S SO NICE MISTER THANK YOU, WOW HA HA HAHA HA, GEE MAYBE I SHOULD DUMP ICE IN MY CROTCH ON AN AIRPLANE MORE OFTEN!! HA HA HA HA HAHAHA LOL !!!!111!!!!”

18. Make a mental note to do just that as the other passengers subtly edge away from you.

 

Moar!  Here’s a funny story about that time I brought caramel-coated bacon to a Jewish dinner party.


Post-it Animation

June 26, 2009

Yay!

Via Jessperson.


Toothpick city by Scott Weaver

June 23, 2009

One million toothpicks and 34 years. A model of San Francisco, entirely made of toothpicks, that’s 7 feet wide, 9 feet tall. Awesome.

Wowsers.


Sarah Haskins Makes Feminism Funny

June 23, 2009

These are awesome; lots more Sarah Haskins funny feminism here.
Thanks to Jess for the tip!


Fringe 2009

June 22, 2009

I’m in two fringe plays this year. Should be pretty fun! Here’s info:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

36 Little Plays About Hopeless Girls

"36 little plays" "hopeless girls" "birdtown and swanville" "nicole stamp" "aurora stewart de pena"

This is a dark, odd collection of tiny plays about young women who are messing up in funny ways, intercut with 30-second modern dance pieces choreographed to celphone ringtones. I play Evangeline, whom I’ve nicknamed “the most overbearing person on the planet”. After the first readthrough they all said “OMG Nicole, you’re perfect for this part” and I wasn’t sure what to feel.

Runs July 1-12. 75 minutes long, with intermission. No latecomers!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It’s Just A Phase

"its just a phase" "gregarious produtions" "marissa gregoris" toronto fringe" "nicole stamp"

This one’s a musical comedy about a new-ish lesbian trying to convince her family that her Sapphic tendencies are more than just a phase. I play Tonya, a butchy carpenter in love with the lead ingenue, and I get to sing a fun Motown number. Luckily my vocal range is lezzo-soprano.

Runs July 1-12. 90 minutes long, no intermission. No latecomers!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And let’s say you REALLY love me and you want to see both shows. There are several days you could comfortably see them both back-to-back. The venues are about 8 blocks apart and it’s enough time to walk and even get a popsicle! Check the online schedules for the deeeetails!

Yee haw!


John Hodgman’s roast

June 22, 2009

Thanks to Elliott for the tip.


Hawk in a restaurant

June 21, 2009
What is this, the Muppet Show?

What is this, the Muppet Show?

Funny story about a hawk that accidentally flew into a restaurant.

The guy working the counter came out, and we were both (slowly and carefully) snapping pictures with our phones. The hawk didn’t react to us apart from turning his head to look back and forth between us — even when said employee said:
“Man, you inna wrong place, bird! Dontchu know this a chicken joint?”

Full story (don’t worry, it’s short & snappy) here.
Thanks to Andrea P for the tip.


White guy does Bollywood

June 20, 2009

I like when he can’t find her.
Thanks to Kamal for the tip!


Guest post: a-Peel-ing, by Greg Press

June 19, 2009

I want to share something with you.

Here’s one way to make your life better: Take advantage of all that a vegetable peeler has to offer when making a salad. I’m a fan of the Oxo brand – $10 or so.

peeleer

You like raw golden beets, but not so much just taking a bite out of one? Peel off the skin in a jiffy (I’ll peel maybe half to conserve the rest of the beet for later) and then scatter some beet flakes wherever you like. Maybe in a bowl with heirloom tomato chunks, baby arugula, and a crumbled goat cheese (grape halves if you’re feeling unhinged). The yellow shines, but all beets have brilliant colors. You could shave up a bunch of different colored beets, some herbs, some oil, little cheese and you’d have something to look at.

Another good crunch your peeler can add to a salad is fennel (the bulb). Not that easy to manipulate with a knife – too thick a bite can be overwhelming, too thin useless, and too diced plain weird, but a nice shaving via your peeler does the trick (takes a little practice, not as easy as the supreme kitchen device, the mandolin). Dig it with parmesan, olive oil, lemon, and some herbs. Or mix it up in a salad with green olives, a citrus, and a candied nut.

Tonight's dinner: leftovers from last night, including a salad of heirloom tomato, peaches, veggie-peeled golden beet and veggie-peeled fennel.

Tonight's dinner: leftovers from last night, including a salad of heirloom tomato, peaches, veggie-peeled golden beet and veggie-peeled fennel.

How about cucumber strips? This is not so much shaving as long deep slices. Nice with big healthy romaine leaves, maybe some avocado. Pour over some heavily shaken olive oil, little bit of balsamic, little bit of dijon, and a lot of lemon. Don’t forget the fresh ground pepper.

You want jicama? Easy. Shred the sheet out of it with a veggie peeler. Nice for the summer with watermelon, pistachios posing as seeds, and feta.

You can peel shavings of fruits like firm pears. You can peel shavings of vegetables like funky raw squash for a summer squash salad. You can peel shavings of hard cheeses. Grating ginger can be a pain in the ass, but peel its bark (or whatever the outside is called), whittle off some strips, and then take a good knife to it and your fresh diced ginger is ready to go.

Build yourself a little holster. Equip it with your vegetable peeler. And the next time you make a salad, bust that shiznit out.

– Greg Press is a doctor who lives in Houston.

Nice once, Greg. Thanks.

The rest of y’all, I’m still happy to get guest posts.
Send ’em to stamperoo at gmail dot com, yeah?