How to hide your sickly unkemptitude from the Internet

On Xmas day I came down with the most despicable case of influenza I’ve ever had. Temperature up to 103′, burning lung pain, aching bones, racked with coughs that sounded like the birth of a monster. I also had a new webcam and I reeeally wanted to talk to my friends! But there was no WAY I was ever gonna let anyone on the internet see how uggers I am when I’m sick.

I will never let my public see me like this.

I will never let my public see me like this.

There has to be a way, I thought groggily, to have a videochat without compromising the air of ladylike dignity I’m so widely known for.

Then I had a thought. Perhaps, I thought, I could cover the lens of the webcam with something removeable and translucent!

Having just wrapped a metric buttload of presents, I immediately knew just what to use.


But it was too opaque.


Maybe this would be ok if I was in the witness protection program.

But I’m not.

Stupid tape.


Back to the drawing board. Maybe a less-frosted piece of translucent material would do the trick.

I’ve been taking my temperature (orally, thanks for asking) every half-hour or so, and my thermometer has a little clear plastic case…


Perhaps if I just…


No. This is stupid, and it makes a weird reflection of the webcam light. That’s dumb.
Too I see dead people.

Think, Stamp, think.

Ugh, mouthbreathing is making my lips so dry.




(Actually, I kind of reeka too, but let’s try to stay on track here.)

Just a leetle dab…. and….




Wait, did I just smear lip balm on a brand new webcam? Uh… careful… steady…


The technology is reversible! I am a genius!

Aw yeah.

And the best part was, nobody on the internet ever saw how sickly and slovenly I was! My secret is safe.


4 Responses to How to hide your sickly unkemptitude from the Internet

  1. Hilary says:

    That was the greatest Christmas story of all time.

  2. […] lesson. The best way to get attention is to write about your recent weight gain or post uggers photos of yourself without any makeup or tell jumbled stories about being peed on and then put it […]

  3. Anonymous says:


  4. cassbike says:


    Kiddo, your version of “uggers” is, of course, proof that your keen vision caught a flaw in the prettiness of your looks….but we get to see in your blog, the flawless, uninterrupted dance of your Beauty.

    Great project though, I will never buy a webcam without lip-baum!


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