I stabbed myself in the mouth with a toothbrush last week. Don’t ask. Listen, I don’t need your concerned scorn, quit judging me, sometimes these things happen.

Now I have a cut in the pocket between my cheek and my molars, and feels like a bruise too, and it’s swollen and it stings when food touches it, and despite my ministrations with salt water the dang thing is still there. And it hurts, even from the outside. I’ve been chewing one-sided for days, and I can’t put my chin in my hand. Toothbrushes are jerks.

Oh yeah, keep laughing. Some friend you are. I’m probly gonna die from this and on my gravestone it’s gonna say “DIED OF ORAL-HYGIENE-INFLICTED INJURY” and below that it’s gonna say “SORRY WE MADE FUN OF YOU NICOLE, YOU WERE RIGHT, IT WAS SERIOUS.”
You’re all gonna feel pretty bad then, with your “Ooooh, how the hell didja manage to stab yourself with a blunt plastic object? How’s that even possible?” Dinks.


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