Random Craigslist post: An open letter to the Minotaur who lives above me

First off, I must say that I admire your courage. It must be hard living in the world today as a lady-beast. Society judges, oh lord do they ever.

With that said, let’s get down to business. Over the past year, we’ve had a funny sort of relationship, you and I. When I first moved into the place, it was rather peaceful. It was an exciting time in my life, as it was the first time I would be living by myself. Then came the day that I first heard it. What did I hear you ask? It was sound of your hooves galloping across the hardwood floors of your living room. At the time I thought, “No big deal, surely it can’t always be like this.” Oh was I wrong. It turned out that every time I was at home, you would be up there, stomping around, like the wild lady-beast that you are.

After a few weeks, I determined through a process of elimination, that you are in fact, a Minotaur. It only makes sense.

Artist's interpretation.

Artist's interpretation.


FACT. Minotaurs have hooves, and that’s sure as hell what it sounds like is hitting the floor when you gallop around.

FACT. A Minotaur posses great strength, the kind of strength that can be felt by a guy laying on his couch, trying to get into a good book. The kind of strength that shakes the dishes in his cupboards. The kind of strength that can wake a guy out of a dead sleep, EVERY FRICKIN MORNING. I didn’t even need to set an alarm clock to wake up in the morning. Instead I wake up to THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP. I’m not a light sleeper by any means; I sleep right through the viscously loud police, fire truck, and ambulance sirens every night. I was lying there one morning, frustrated, counting the trips you took between your bedroom and your bathroom. 17. 17 god forsaken trips between the bedroom and the bathroom. Really? Are you kidding me? What could you possibly be doing?

FACT. Minotaurs are half bull. Bulls are aggressive when taunted. Apparently, the time I went upstairs, politely introduced myself, and asked you rather nicely to please quit stomping around, was a taunt. That’s when you got aggressive. You called the landlord and told him that I was complaining about your noise. When he told me about this, he said his response to your complaint was, “Quit making so much noise then.” Brilliant. Go Mr. Landlord! I tried keeping him out of this, but you felt it important to drag him into it.

After a few more weeks of you recklessly stomping around, I made another attempt at a civil confrontation. It failed. It failed because you stomped your way to the door, and you didn’t open it when you saw who was standing there. I know this because I heard your hooves clippity-clop their way to the door. Way to avoid confrontation.

To my surprise, the stomping ceased the next day, and I awoke to peace. “Amazing,” I thought, “It must be a midsummer miracle!!” A few days passed, and I ran into my landlord in the entry way. He mentioned that he received another angry phone call from you. Said that you felt threatened by my confrontations, said I scared you. Strange, since not once did I ever raise my voice or try to be anything but civil. He then mentioned that he told you to buy some slippers to wear around your apartment. Genius! It freakin worked!! Hell yea, Mr Landlord! High five!

Fast forward 11 months. The stomping has returned. No doubt in my mind the hooves have worn through the delicate fabrics of the slippers and are now, once again, banging against your hardwood floors.

Please, for the love of sweet baby jesus, run down to the local Target and purchase yourself another pair of hoof mufflers. I know you can run with those strong legs of yours, probably real fast like! Target downtown is all of 10 blocks away. Go Minotaur, go! Overcome the odds, society is watching! (and judging)

Source.

4 Responses to Random Craigslist post: An open letter to the Minotaur who lives above me

  1. meowpants says:

    I also live beneath a Minotaur. All it took to stop the clomping was a pleasant note saying I had classes at York University until 10:00 pm, so please don’t wear heels at 6 am. I was lucky.

    Mebbe you could buy a pair of unisex slippers, tuck the receipt into them, and leave them outside the door? With or without a smiley face?

  2. Hill says:

    Omg that made me laugh and pee. I had an upstairs neighbor in NYC who, I swear, took a ping pong ball every day and just dropped it to the floor, repeatedly, for hours. And it was a really specific bounce. Like a ping pong ball being, well, dropped repeatedly, for hours. Maybe it was a “Gaslight” thing meant to make me go crazy and move out so he could have my place.

  3. Howdy! This post could not be written any better!
    Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He
    always kept talking about this. I will forward this
    page to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read.
    Thanks for sharing!

  4. tiny.cc says:

    Howdy! This article couldn’t be written any better!
    Reading through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He constantly kept talking about this. I most certainly will send this information to him.
    Fairly certain he’ll have a very good read. Many thanks for sharing!

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