Vivid Language in the Emergency Department

“You need to put her under — deeply — and basically recreate the injury. Don’t be wimpy about it: you have to go medieval on her. There’ll be a nasty crunch as you complete the ulnar fracture; don’t worry about that. Make sure you have the parents sitting down or out of the room.”

Dr. Shadowfax talks about the value of using really vivid, colourful language when giving directions in the ER. Maybe it’s not for you if you’re squeamish, but I enjoyed this post.

Earwax Suction

THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING / SATISFYING THING I’VE EVER SEEN.
Man, I loved watching it. The music is so inspirational! And when he gets that tricky one at the end, doesn’t your heart just soar? This video made me so horribly delighted that I had to yell AAAAUUUGGGGHHH the whole time I watched. I want this done so bad.

Via MeFi.

Mattress of the heart

Via.

Eel Slap

For those of you who yearn to slap someone in the face with a fat phlegmy eel, yearn no longer. Drag your cursor across the image on this page to give this guy the what-for, cartilaginous-fish stylez.

Sneeze goo

Grode.

Toenails removed: a distance runner’s gory sacrifice

Ultramarathoners are people who run for like 19 hours at a time. I have another word for people who do this, and that word is “TIRED”. But these people exist, and as you might imagine, they have hella sore feet. Their toes pound up against the front of their shoes, and the nails hurt and get all ingrown and skanky and stuff. So… some of them have their toenails surgically pulled off and then the nail beds chemically burned so the nails won’t ever grow back. GAH.

Here’s an awesome/gross photogallery of one woman’s toenail removal. I love her for being so into this; I would have done exactly the same thing. Except without the “removing my toenails” part. Listen, pals. I really love my weekly dodgeball games, but if I ever start talking about surgically improving my gameplay, you guys have my permission to grab my shoulders firmly and shake vigorously.
Via Metafilter.

In which I debate the merits of having cats

Tonight my female cat, Juno, was being particularly adorable. She snuggled on my lap for half an hour, purring ridiculously loudly. She chased a large red ball all over the apartment like a small leopard. She let me pick her up by the arms and didn’t even growl at me. Mojo was being pretty cool too (he let me demonstrate CPR on him), so I decided to reward my delightful felines with some tuna.

As I was carrying the tuna-plates, I spilled some tuna pieces near the litterbox. Feeling benevolent, I let Juno eat some of it off the floor. I wiped up what was left, and even used a baby wipe to kill the fish smell, but two hours later my cat decides ooh, the litter box is now tuna land and oooh, tuna land is not the right place for her urine, so she squats ON MY BED and pees a flood of horrible cat-juice INTO MY LEATHER BAG and ONTO MY DOWN DUVET.

I immediately rush the sodden bag into the bathtub and fill it up under the bathtub faucet to rinse it out.

Only to discover that the bag contains MY DIGITAL CAMERA.

Full of photos that I hadn’t uploaded yet.

Immediately I shook the water off of the camera and tried to take out the battery so it wouldn’t short out.

But.

I accidentally turned on the wet camera. OF COURSE I DID.

And.

The digital screen went all weird, as it, predictably, shorted the hell out. GAAAH

EFF MY LIFE.

Juno, I am gonna make you into a tiny rug, so help me.

*shakes fist*
TO THE MOON JUNOOOOO

I have never in all the 12 cats I’ve lived with in my life, ever had someone willfully pee on my stuff. WHAT THE EFF. Mojo once had to pee while the litterbox was empty and you know where he peed? IN THE BATHTUB. Because he is CIVILIZED.

WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE PEE IN MY BAAAAAG

Now the duvet is soaking in hot water and bleach and my camera, after being rinsed in rubbing alcohol, is sitting in a jar of rice to dry out and I fed the cats some food on the bed so they remember that BED IS SLEEP LAND NOT PEE LAND FOR PETE’S SAKE and I am very very maaaaad at my caaaaat and Scott just came in and sniffed and said “smells like coffee” and I screamed IT’S PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Blogging in the bathroom

Do you shiver as you finish peeing? What IS that?

A timeline

MARCH 2009
Scott buys a carton of eggs.

JUNE 2009
Nicole thinks, “….expiration April 2009. Now is June 2009. But it’s like BARELY June. It’s been really cold outside. I guess I could look online to see when eggs expire, but actually, you hear about “rotten egg smell” so I guess I’ll know. Whatever, I’m being so North American. In Europe they don’t even keep eggs in the fridge. I’m sure these eggs will be totally fine. And delicious if I fry them sunny-side-up and put lots of pepper on them and put them on toasty English muffins so the yolk gets all runny.”

Nicole cuts some butter into a warm pan, where it melts and sizzles delightfully.

Nicole cracks an egg over pan.

Nicole wonders why pale snot-coloured water is leaking out of the cracked egg. It looks like the sediment at the bottom of a bottle of cheap concentrated orange juice. One that’s been open for two months or so. Maybe since about April 2009.

Nicole turns over the halves of the egg to see what’s inside. Oh, a bloody green and brown booger the size of an apricot.

Nicole is very unhappy.

Nicole needs to fill her lungs with air to maybe use on some swearing.

Nicole inhales.

Nicole learns that “rotten egg smell” is not a euphemism or myth.

Nicole notices that her hands are totally full of foul expired egg drippings.

Nicole begins a quiet chant of “oh no oh my aw gee oh no oh no oh no”

Nicole thinks fast. “An egg is smaller than a poo from like a really fat guy would be, right? And most toilets can probably handle a linebacker log, right?”

Nicole throws egg in toilet and flushes, hoping for the best.

Egg vanishes without complaint. Bathroom smells like a new and awful kind of fart.

Nicole muses that sulfur dioxide is not our friend.

Nicole is relieved and leisurely washes her hands.

Nicole realizes pan full of egg-snot is happily cooking away on stove.

Nicole observes that the drippings have congealed into a tiny snot omelette that smells like a pig’s ass.

Nicole cleans pan daintily amidst much pursing of lips and squinting of eyes and general unhappiness.

Nicole opens all windows and turns on all fans.

Nicole learns never to take a chance on an egg again.

Chimp smells finger

Apparently this is George Clooney’s favourite YouTube video.