And I wrote a rap about it.

September 8, 2010

Something I can do for hours (um, obviously I’m speaking totally hypothetically here, you guys,) is listen to Rap Master Maurice do his thing. Rap Master Maurice is (one of) the alter ego(s) of artist Derek Erdman, who writes and sells “Vigilante rap phone calls”. It works is like so: You Paypal him $12  and he writes you a personalized revenge rap, plus sends you an .mp3 of him rapping it to the unsuspecting but totally deserving nitwit of your choice.

Ferinstance, let’s say you have a group project, but there’s that one dude not pulling his weight (there’s ALWAYS that one dude. If you think there isn’t, that one dude is YOU. Jerk.)

Or, maybe you’re upset about how your property management company does things.

Or, imagine you asked your friend what to eat, and he said: “How about some Beach Cliff sardines?” Clearly, that has revenge rap written all over it.

Also, he does friendly raps, but that will set you back $19. Fair enough.

I love this guy. 8 billion other raps on his site here. He’s away till September 15th, but I’m already making a list of those who have wronged me, and they’re gonna be so, so sorry.


PEACE.


Moff’s Law

January 9, 2010

On how critical thinking about art and pop culture is often stifled by idiots hollering “Caintchoo jus’ stop all this thinkin’ and jus’ ENJOY it??!!” (OMG U GUYZ REMEMBR WHEN DAT HAPPIND ON MAH BLOOG HEER? DAT SUKED SO HARD!!1!!!)

Well, here comes an excellent rant by an io9 contributor named Mott, responding to some turd who tried to shut down a pretty interesting critical conversation about Avatar. The rant is reproduced under the jump here. It’s the best. I’m excited that this has been written.

Via Racialicious.

Read the rest of this entry »


Design me a logo? With pie charts?

November 26, 2009

Funny fake exchange between a graphic designer and a lame entrepreneur.

Dear Simon,
Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.
Regards, David.

Whole thing here (single page, language NSFW)


Toronto Star needs less, or more, editors.

November 9, 2009

The Toronto Star recently announced its plans to outsource a number of its editing jobs to cut costs. One irritated Toronto Star editor retaliated by marking up the very press release that announced the writing on the wall about his/her own job, and then sending it to Torontoist. This takes passive-aggression to a whole new level.

2009starmemo

click the letter to read it full-size, then click again to zoom in.


Bacon is good for me!

September 4, 2009

“I had a very very calm day till this. A little bump in the road comes and she be’s sarcastic!”
Thanks to Kelly for the tip.


A party, you say?

February 20, 2009

This is awesome.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud. The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn’t come.

Read the whole thing here. It’s so worthwhile, I made incoherent noises of joy while I read it.
Via MetaFilter.


My Art Director is Four Years Old.

February 19, 2009

“That’s not what I want. That’s a Brachiosaurus. I want a T Rex.”

This dude draws whatever his small daughter tells him to draw, and she almost always hates it.


FOB Moms – funny blog

February 17, 2009

Mom: Do you have any sponges?
Salesclerk: No ma’am, we don’t sell sponges here.
Mom: But I see advertisement! You sell sponges!
Salesclerk: Sorry ma’am, I think you’re mistaken.
Mom: Yes, you do! You know, those big sponges you can lay on!
Salesclerk: Oh, you mean mattresses??

More funny things said by FOB moms, here.


Virgin Airlines meal disgusting; customer complains with tons of awesome.

January 28, 2009

An anonymous customer, unhappy with his in-flight meals on a Virgin Airlines flight, has written a vivid letter of complaint, sending it directly to Virgin CEO and mega-kabillionaire playboy Richard Branson. Via.

Dear Mr Branson:

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:

virgin airline branson food complain disgusting

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:

virgin airline branson food complain disgusting

I know it looks like a baaji, but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

//pageslap.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/virgin1_1246696c.jpg" alt="virgin airline branson food complain disgusting" width="450" height="281" />

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation:

virgin airline branson food complain disgusting cookie biscuit bag

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:

virgin airline branson food complain letter

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:

virgin airline branson food complain  ray liotta

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:

virgin airline branson food complain disgusting cookie baggie biscuit
Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

* Paul Charles, Virgin’s Director of Corporate Communications, confirmed that Sir Richard Branson had telephoned the author of the letter and had thanked him for his “constructive if tongue-in-cheek” email. Mr Charles said that Virgin was sorry the passenger had not liked the in-flight meals which he said was “award-winning food which is very popular on our Indian routes.”

Hello to all the new readers from Emails From Crazy People. Welcome! Here’s a list of the funniest posts on my blog. Like this one time, I found a chicken fetus in an egg, that was pretty grode.


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