Herbal Essences Conditioner

These are the two formulations of Herbal Essences I've come to depend on. I imagine that if you were to chemically analyze me, you'd find I'm probably about 15% composed of this stuff by now.

It appears that Herbal Essences is discontinuing its classic conditioners (depicted above) in favour of a new line of candy-reeking ones with annoying, cutesy names (None of Your Frizzness! SHUT UP.) and packaged in wavy bottles designed to appeal to 13-year old girls. Guess how I feel about that.

Classic Pink Herbal Essences Conditioner is the only thing I’ve ever found that makes my giant hair look good. I use it in obscene quantities- half a cup to condition & detangle every time I wash my hair, and then another half-cup after every shower, combed through & left in to make the curls stick together, and then another teaspoon every other day or so, smoothed over the surface of my head to keep things looking tidy. I go through at least 2 bottles a month. Luckily it’s only $4, and it’s really the only product I use, so my haircare expenditures remain very reasonable even if my usage does not.

Why is it so good? Let me count the ways. It makes my hair slippery, no easy feat since my long, curly, fine, endless pelt wants to live off the grid, back to nature, in a big fat frizzay knot on the back of my head. Herbal Esssence conditioner is moisturizing without being greasy, and it coats my nest of hair so it doesn’t get all staticky and fluffy- yet it still makes it shiny. Also it smells okay, kind of like candy-flowers, familar candy-flowers. I’ve been soaking my head in this stuff since I was 18, so I actually can’t smell it any more, but anecdotal evidence tells me I smell of this product very strongly indeed. So the fact that it doesn’t smell like butt is nice. Every time I’ve tried switching to another product, it’s been awful because I use so. very. much. conditioner. that when it’s a new scent and I can actually smell it, I gag from the candy-coated floral sweetness of my own head. My life is really hard, you guys!

So I’ve been keeping an eye out for this stuff, and to my dismay, most stores have ceased to carry it. I’m down to my last half-bottle, and today I looked in a major drug store, a major grocery store, and three corner stores– and I only found one bottle. None of the Toronto grocery delivery services had it, either. With growing anxiety, I declared it an emollient emergency and started trolling Amazon and Ebay for American suppliers.

I sent a terse, panicky email to Reuben asking him how much of this stuff he’d allow me to ship to, then stockpile at, his place in NYC ’til some undetermined time in the future when I cross the border (no doubt surrounded by a maelstrom-like mushroom cloud vortex of untamed hair) to pick it up. Bless his heart, his reply came in minutes: “as much as you need, I’ll find a way to store it.” This is a true friend. At some point I will undoubtedly make him sorry he’s so nice to me by deluging his apartment with a flood of sweet-scented pink slime, but first there was one more avenue to try.

Using every wile I possess (mostly my whiny whiles), I convinced Scoots to brave his most hated of places, that palace of economy, Wal-Mart. And guess what? The giant box store of evil overconsumption not only enabled my addiction, but did so for $2.97 a bottle, which is 25% off what I usually pay! But I only bought a few. Just what was on the shelf. I didn’t, like, ask anyone to go to the storeroom or anything, that would be unreasonable.

Brand loyalty. The cat isn't judging me.

I feel much better now.

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