Impractical iPhone application

The other night I went to a sports bar to watch a UFC fight. My friend Helder spent 30% of the evening on his iPhone, as is his custom. At the end of the match, as we were paying, I dropped a toonie (a Canadian $2 coin) on the floor under the table and couldn’t see it in the dark.

Toonies. I had a teacher who used to call them Moonies. When we asked why, she said it was because a toonie depicts the Queen... with a bear behind.

I was gonna ask Helder to shine his iPhone down there to help me find it but first I just stuck my head under the table to see if I could solve my problem by myself, because I’m slowly learning that that’s what adults do.

A few seconds into my exploration of independence, Helder mildly inquired as to why I was crawling around in one of the many pools of spilled beer on the carpet at Toby’s. I poked my head back up and explained that I was looking for a dropped toonie, obviously. He immediately whipped out his iPhone and shone it under the table.

HELDER
Here, maybe this will help.

NICOLE
Oh, thanks.

HELDER
(pause)
It’s a new application I downloaded for finding toonies.

(pause)
It’s called iTunie.

(pause)
It cost me a dollar-ninety-nine.

NICOLE
Found it!

HELDER
Oh.
(turns off phone)
That’s it for the application then. One-time use.

Amazing. Helder’s getting back into stand-up comedy in 2010 and I think the world can only be made a better place by this decision.

Chopsticks Kitten

Via Ramón’s Twitter.

Flight of the Conchords is all done with teevee

Bret and Jemaine announced that there won’t be a season three. Weep.

Hopefully this means Jemaine will be working on Dr Ronald Chevalier. If you don’t know what that means, go check this out. There’s always time for some relaxating.

Remixed YouTube

Here is a song made by mixing together tiny clips of unrelated YouTube vids. Badass.

Wowsers. Thanks, Peneycad, for sending.

WIN a print by Girl Can Create

Rough on Rats, by Lisa Pijuan-Nomura

My friend Lisa Pijuan-Nomura is an amazing multidisciplinary artist working in theatre, dance, comedy, puppeteering, images, and text.

Recently Lisa started making visual art as well- lovely collage pieces using found paper, objects and ephemera.

And now…

You can WIN one of Lisa’s 8.5×11 inch prints!

Here’s all you have to do:

1. Browse the Girl Can Create Etsy shop.

2. Choose which print you’d like to win.

3. Come back to [pageslap] and leave a comment here identifying which print you chose, and why you like it. Make sure to include your email in the comment form (it won’t be seen on the blog, and we won’t spam you. It’s just so we can contact the winner.)

That’s it!

I’ll use a randomizer to pick the winner on Sunday at midnight, then we’ll arrange for Lisa to mail you your print.
This contest is open to everyone, worldwide.
Sha-daaaa!

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Lisa was the brain behind Toronto’s popular RED performance series, and long ago when I’d never written anything except high school essays, she pretty much forced me into performing my own writing in front of a live audience for the very first time at one of her events. That peer-pressured little excerpt eventually became my solo show “Better Parts” and the cracktastic feeling of people laughing at my writing turned me into a monster. I owe her big-time… thanks, Lisa!

UPDATE:
Winner is comment # 1, Noelle Hunt.
Congrats, Noelle, and thanks to everyone who entered!

Toddler sings “I’m Yours”

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Thanks, Peneycad.

PS- If you’re new to this site, welcome. I’m doing a giveaway contest this weekend and you can win a collage piece by a Canadian artist. Click here to check it out!

Top That

This is basically every daydream I ever had in the 1980s.

Thanks to Mark Andrada for the tip.

Dear Japan: Absolutely not.

But if I did this at home I'd be late.

This Japanese poster campaign is asking commuters not to do certain “annoying” things on the subway.

Here’s what I think is annoying on the subway:

Wearing knapsacks at rush hour

Littering

When two friends sit on either side of a stranger and talk over them.

Brushing hair when there’s a person sitting beside you (flake shower, grode)

Standing in the doorway, blithely blocking passengers from exiting. WHAT IS THAT.

Smoking crack into a napkin (I actually saw a guy do that on the TTC, just once. I was really confused about what he was doing until I told a more worldly friend, Hey, I saw a guy light up and inhale off something hidden in his hand, hold the smoke for about 40 seconds, then exhale into a Starbucks napkin, and what he exhaled smelled like sulphur, and my friend said, Uh, that was crack. Huh. Cracky McGuy was about 70 years old, nicely-dressed, not a tooth in his mouth. Summerhill Station. Who knew. Also, to be honest? Not really annoying, and actually quite fascinating.)

CLIPPING FINGERNAILS. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

Here’s what I do NOT find annoying: Applying makeup. Why would that be annoying? A woman applying makeup has her elbows tucked into her ribs as they should be. She’s not flaking body parts onto anyone. She’s not being loud or getting in the way. If anything, she’s being entertaining and educational because I get to watch her make a painting of her own face, and also I get some tips on how to curl my lashes or whatever.

You know, if you curl them twice- once at the base, once halfway up- you don't get that crimpy look? True story. I learned it at Osgoode Station. And that person on the side giving her the stinkeye? That person is OUT OF LINE.

Subway Makeup Wimmin is going to arrive at her destination on time and looking polished. It’s a real boon to the workforce, actually. If anything applying makeup is practically a public service. She should be rewarded, not scorned. I salute you, Subway Makeup Wimmin.

So dear Japan: In response to your subway ad about not putting on makeup in transit: I respectfully reply, NO. I will NOT not put on makeup in transit. And you can’t not make me not do it.

However, Japan, those other things you asked commuters not to do? Totally fine. Especially this nonsense.

STOP THAT. THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT. THE BEACH IS (EVIDENTLY) THE PLACE FOR THAT. (ALSO: WHAT IS THAT.)

Via Copyranter, Via BoingBoing.

Ghost Man

Invisible human shield is less effective.

Donaldson sent me this link, even though she thought it was probably faked.

Tobias Funke just got one-upped

Personally, I dunno if it’s fake. I mean, for sure, it’s so perfect that it definitely looks fake. But on the other hand, it seems to me there must be someone in this world insane enough to do this, and if there was, that person would surely be putting it on the interweb.

Pizza Hut never really caught on in China

The thing that makes me think it must be fake most of all? The fact that I didn’t see any “making of” photos showing the painted dude standing a few inches away from his perfect spot. However, I also didn’t look for any “making of” photos. Perhaps they were painted to exactly match their surroundings and I just walked right past them?

This one took me like a full minute.

Fake or not, pretty amazing, right? Link. Thanks to Donaldson for the tip.

Julia Child on Letterman

This is fun- these two had some pretty hilarious mismatched chemistry. And Letterman’s face when he eats that thing is priceless.